dun wanna say so much tonite. yeah, my stupid mistake to msg her when i waiting for u.
sorry.
pls stop doubting my sorries as they are really as they are.
is anger controlling u that much till when i say i'm having gastrics and u just ignore me. i did come home.. didn't even have the appetite for anything. jus a small piece of mooncake. i never waited for a person so long.
i wanted to send u home is becos i have things to say, which most importantly was to apologise in person. i tout of waiting at ur hse there in the first place, but i tout u mite be too tired and i mite have not enuff time to say aniwae cos of the late timings u been coming home.
i'm tired and i noe u wan me to go home and rest but i believe clearing up everything is more impt then rest itself. whether this shows u how much i put u in my heart, i dun really noe. yeah, it is my stupid mistake to msg her but it is nothing more then a simple hi. it's all up to u to believe me. i dunno wat or how to make u believe me? i run out of ideas.
lastly, i'm sorry for everything that happen the past 2 daes.
just ended a call with her. sometimes she juz drives me mad, sometimes she jus make me smile. no matter wat she is thinking, i juz noe i wan her even more. i just wan u to noe, all i want is u to be happy with me, things that i fear that it might make u unhappy or wat, i wun even mention it to u, doesn't mean u dun matter to me.
u can say all u wan, to make me soften, to make me move away.. i noe i WANT u now. not like u say i need u, is i want u. not because of u being a prized asset or wat.. u mean much much more to me.
i care and concern for u in my own unique way, juz hope that u can feel it really. talk is cheap, actions speaks betta.. that is wat u say. i will do it not because u say it, but is because i wanna do it for u.
i noe u dun like me calling u this.
but...
baby, i like u for whu u are.. no matter a bad girl or good girl u are.
i wan u no matter u like it or not.
cos i'm selfish,
yes, i wan u jus to be mine.. it's not sweet talk. it's my heart-felt thoughts. i know it best ok~
gd nite and byebye =)
missing u.
for the past few months, i dunno whether to say things are going good or bad. things at work juz seem like going downhill every single dae.. smtimes u juz dun feel respected for watever u did for them in the army. personally, had a relationship that juz ended, feel that i always dun have enuff time for my friends. keep telling me it's jus how u handle ur life, how u wan it to be? it's all in ur hands.. but i juz keep feeling, i'm losing control.
i believe i only had myself to blame that adeline dun trust me when we are together maybe that's y we fail in the end. but how come diana also dun trust me when i didn't even do anything. am i really such an asshole? i noe wat i'm doing, i noe wat i wan... y they jus feel they noe it betta then me. both of them! hai..
muz i say i hate adeline to let u noe that i'm over her? truthfully, she's been in my life for 2 yrs plus no matter it is for good things or bad. she's part of my memories. telling u literally forgetting her existence is impossible. she's also part of reason whu i am now, cos i learn things from my relationship with her. taking a phrase that she say on her blog.. let bygones be bygones. juz keep watever as memories and it will stay as memories. i also wish for everything is smooth for her, no matter in her new relationship or her personal life. that is really wat i think ok.
as for u diana, wat else can i do? i'm really lost. am i not doing enuff or i'm asking too much? ya, i'm tired but dun ask me why i can't let it go. i'm really lost concerning things abt ya. smtimes it all gd, smtimes it jus turn really bad. y did i reply much slower, y i deleted the msg.. tell u the truth, u juz always have doubts in me. y will i torture myself by making me feel so pekchek yet choose to explain things to ya so hoping u will feel betta? have u been in my shoes like so dis-trust by someone u care abt? it's really a sucky feeling. i'm feeling mentally-strained yet i noe by saying let's be friends, maybe things will be betta for u or me. but i juz dun wanna do it.
should i take a break? i really up to my brim in my mind le. too many things happen since may. is becos of my doing, or is it someone up there dun like me? funny rite? but sometimes i juz feel that way.
yeah, i enjoyed myself todae at sentosa with vincent and gang. haven been that crazy with them since a few years ago. got high on the alcohol they brought. juz really enjoyed their company even with a few cuts on my feets. maybe that is the simple life i need.
*out*
i think this is the only 'way' i can reach out to her. =)
first dae jus blew past ytd.. oh yeah, it was really slow. thoughts came up and i was really itching to call her but since i promise her 2 weeks and i'll try to keep it. it was a gd time to think abt everythingwith the 2 weeks break though a difficult one.
i started to understand more why she is treating me this and i noe there's nothing wrong with it. there's nothing wrong with u or me actually. yeah, things are progressing alittle too fast and i think u are not comfortable with it. i really fully understood it.
am i really that fake? am i really not showing sincerity enough? am i that just difficult to gain ur trust? do i really noe wat i wan with myself? do i really noe whu i wan in the future?
these just run thru the entire time when i was at jurong island.. physically tired but everytime anything jus reminded of these questions, it jus makes me wonder and think. haven got any full answers yet but bits and pieces.. there are certain things i really wun wan animore.
i think in the past, i'm really 宠坏 by adeline. she give in too much to me all the time. i'm sorry
after the break-up, i really felt bad cos i didn't treat her with as much respect as she should as my gf then. that's y i think i really wanted this to go. i didn't learn cherish things i have which i take it lightly and end up losing it. when it is gone, it really goes. i dun wan to lose pple that i wan now and i'll show u thru actions tat i really wan u more then anything else.
some mistakes in life should stay in the past and u learn from it. some pple u lose are never meant to come back to u. i remember telling adeline before that i dun believe in patching up cos i believe u will have try everything in wat u could to save the relationship. break up is only when u feel tat everything has to be done and it is the best solution to make things betta. an almost 3 yr relationship i think u will never forget in ur lifetime and maybe a 3 month old relationship could also do the same. it's the things u do during the period of time that makes that impact for u to have memories. memories are like hard copy and feelings are soft copy. they just go when u switch off the power
i hope didn't tell u that i like u and wanted u is because i noe myself everything is too fast and i dun think u trust me that much upon knowing wat happen in the past. i was jus really disappointed is that u didn't even trust me a wee bit... i wanted to take things slowly and i just look forward to everything with ya in it.
but i gonna respect wat u wan though it's not really wat i wan. i will think over everything like u say, diana.
=)
nicholas
