today was pm paper.. i didn't have an experience where i wrote till the time was up when the exam ended for a long time.. dun worry guys, i still manage almost 95% of the paper, guess i will pass the paper. maybe with a credit or distinction i guess.. hopefully la..
went to bpp to eat later with roger and co.
was disturbed by mosquitoes in the middle of the night (i slept at 3 am, was toking to amalie. more on that later) didn't have much sleep in the end.. as i woke up to spray insecticides in the middle of the night. =X so you all can imagine how tired i was, when i ask my brain to wake up todae and battle the 2 hr paper. really tired~
came back.. wanted to catch a nap at first, but suddenly dun feel like sleeping, so was watching the history channel on tv. msg joyce to ask her if she reach home already.. a few msgs was exchanged, she ask me whether i was sad? ha, i told her i was but i didn't tell her why.. after that i try to sleep for awhile while listening to jay's 说好的幸福呢 and 给我一首歌的时间 which i downland last night ( i download the whole album in 1/2 hr for amalie. u owe me that ok! =p). i think i was sleeping but i was actually concious the whole time, sub-concious i guess.
i dunno what i was thinking.. suddenly jay's singing become clearer and clearer and two songs combine and i was down memories lane... especially when it's 说好的幸福呢 turn to play. amalie was asking me whether i was still thinking abt her and why. told her lots of things and yeah, i am still at times. she ask me to tell her what i was thinking, though i might get replies i might not like it.. i told her i did told her.. but i know i dun wan to break this currently little friendship we still have.. i dunno why she choose to be at such distance from me when we first broke up. i was thinking does she think back on the times we had, why is she so cruel to me? within this 1 1/2 yr that pass after we broke up, a lot of pple ask me whether i was angry with her with what she say and what she do.. i say i was kinda angry in the first place, but i quickly cool off and think it was my fault that such things happen in the first place..
yeah, i admit for the first time here, i was the one whu didn't cherish her in the first place and probably deserve it in the end. friends started telling me that i have to get this feeling out.. feeling remorseful and regretful.. i tell them i cannot, becos fact is fact. but it really help me that i become a different person todae. even vincent and co were worried for me.. thinking that i turn gay, hearing things that i do.. things that i will do in the past, but not now.
i still have so many of the things of our relationship. the cards that she wrote, the door-hanger she made, the wallet she bought for me, the cds she bought for me, the bdae gift box she made for my 19th bdae, the blog we had and her previous blog, pictures we took together.... i dunno what to do with it. i dun dare to look at these things yet i dun have the courage to throw it away.
listening to the 2 songs, where the sun slowly set and the last light of the days darken, i sat on my bed with eyes a little wet.. never tout i will say all these here. i jus wanna blog abt it. is it because i still love her, is it because i miss her.. u ask me now, i dunno wat to say.. wat is happening to me? i can't move on, is it because of her? i feel lost for the last 1 1/2 year. yeah, 3 person ask me about what happen to me one by one.. i can't tell them exactly i feel. everytime i remember her words during that time when i try to revive the relationship, it hurts till todae. i remember the last hug we had before we break off.. i remember she cried her eyes, saying it's her fault. she has move on well now... i'm not expecting anything really. i'm really glad she is really happy which i didn't give what she really deserves.. alot of things like why she wanna ask me to walk from tampines to pasir ris in the middle of the night. i scolded her that nite.. i realise after so so so long.. she just wanna see the sunrise with me which i didn't bring her to see ever. yeah, i'm dumb and slow when it comes to this.. i thought i had control of what i do, i thought i know what i should do.. but actually i dun.
i also dunno wat else to say anymore. dunno how long i gonna be this way. i dun wanna be this way.. really i dun. i'm tired.... uploaded the 2 songs to the playlist with the lyrics below.. enjoy the songs and sing along.. i'm signing off.. =(
nicholas
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說好的幸福呢你的绘画凌乱着在这个时刻我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢而你断断续续唱着歌假装没事了时间过了走了爱情面临选择你冷了倦了我哭了离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着有些爱只给到这真的痛了怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了开心与不开心一一细数着你在不舍那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢我错了泪干了放手了后悔了只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着給我一首歌的時間雨淋湿了天空毁得很讲究你说你不懂为何在这时牵手我晒干了沉默悔得很冲动就算这是做错也只是怕错过在一起叫梦分开了叫痛是不是说没有做完的梦最痛迷路的后果我能承受这最后的出口在爱过了才有能不能给我一首歌的时间紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远在我的怀里你不用害怕失眠哦如果你想忘记我也能失忆能不能给我一首歌的时间把故事听到最后才说再见你送我的眼泪让它留在雨天哦越过你划的线我定了勇气的终点雨淋湿了天空毁得很讲究你说你不懂为何在这时牵手我晒干了沉默悔得很冲动就算这是做错也只是怕错过在一起叫梦分开了叫痛是不是说没有做完的梦最痛迷路的后果我能承受这最后的出口在爱过了才有能不能给我一首歌的时间紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远在我的怀里你不用害怕失眠哦如果你想忘记我也能失忆能不能给我一首歌的时间把故事听到最后才说再见你送我的眼泪让它留在雨天哦越过你划的线我定了勇气的终点你说我不该不该不该在这时候说了我爱你要怎么证明我没有说谎力气哦请告诉我暂停算不算放弃我只有一天的回忆能不能给我一首歌的时间紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远在我的怀里你不用害怕失眠哦如果你想忘记我也能失忆能不能给我一首歌的时间把故事听到最后才说再见你送我的眼泪让它留在雨天哦越过你划的线我定了勇气的终点你说我不该不该不该在这时说了爱你要怎么证明我没力气告诉我暂停算不算放弃你说我不该不该不该在这时才说爱你要怎么证明我没有力气我只有一天的回忆
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